On love in the City of Love, Paris

Journal – July 21, 2025

I woke up around 9:30 a.m. today, feeling refreshed. It was raining outside—soft and steady, a peaceful beginning. I accidentally called Curthbeth, and we ended up talking. He said, “You must come to Tanzania.” I told him we could talk more about it tonight.

Now I’m sitting in a small coffee shop down the street called Harvest. It’s cozy, with the barista and counter set right in the middle of the space. The lighting is warm and beautiful—something about it feels Middle Eastern. I ordered the shakshuka and a filter coffee (a bit expensive at $7, but so worth it). Smooth, bold, perfect.

As I sip my coffee and wait for my food, I’m listening to one of my favorite songs—I Am Ready for Love by India.Arie. It hits me in a new way today. Love is a concept that has left me in a million pieces. After my relationship ended almost five years ago, I was completely shattered. I poured every bit of me into that person and what I thought we were building together. I never thought I would recover. I used to tell my mom, “I just want to stop hurting.”

Today, the thought of him doesn’t send me into a downward spiral. It doesn’t make me cry or replay all the things I did wrong. Today, there is nothing. I don’t have him, and I don’t have love. And in some ways, I feel robbed—struggling to connect emotionally and intimately with others. I wonder if I’ll ever fully heal, and what healing even looks like now.

Do I want love again? What would it look like if I did? What are some reasonable expectations to have of others? I’ve been so used to giving all of me without asking for enough in return.

My career has started to fill the space where love once stood. Sometimes it feels empowering—to see myself grow, create, and lead. Other times, it feels like a distraction. Like I’ve swapped one obsession for another. But at least this one doesn’t hurt.

Maybe being ready for love is not about wanting someone else, but being willing to be seen—again. To try again. To believe, again.

Affirmation: I am healing. I am whole. I am open to love—not just from others, but from myself, from this moment, from the world around me.

After about five hours of work, I went for a walk. I wandered through the neighborhood, eventually making my way to Nation. I watched the kids play on the carousel, full of joy and motion. Then I walked to the Seine, breathing in the summer air along the riverbanks. I had a bowl of lentil soup, warm and grounding. I exhaled.

I am open to receiving the lessons and guidance that are waiting for me here.